For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
