Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
