LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There's always time for handjobs
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The ass gains better be worth it
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