i can't believe i had my finger in that
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
