I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
