when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
