I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
