I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
