I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
