Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
