i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
