my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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