I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
