this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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