Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
