just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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