Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
