I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
