Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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