So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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