Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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