I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
