I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
