my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
