Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
