This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's official drugs can't kill me
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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