so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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