A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
