Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
