Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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