I think my vagina is haunted
I skipped work to stalk him.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
