You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
