The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
