Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
