party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
