Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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