I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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