I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
