based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
