got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
