oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
