i think i have herpe
just one?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
