Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
