The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
