I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
