Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
