I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
