i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Pants are for mortals
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