So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
