Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
