I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There are leaves in my underwear?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
