Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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